Learning To Love Rusty

Q: When was this list last updated?
A: Rusty stayed up all night, way past his bedtime, on January 2, 2005 just so that you would have some stuff to read on this Questions page. Rusty does it for the peoples, because he loves the peoples. The peoples, (and we use the plural because there sure are a lot of people these days… just look around, they’re all over the place) in turn, love them some Rusty. It’s a beautiful world full of love around this website. And we thank the peoples.

Q: What is a Rusty and what does he do?
A: Because there really isn’t a satisfactory answer to this question (other than “the red-haired guy with the knowing grin and suave hairstyle that drive all the women crazy”), here is a false, unsatisfactory answer instead: Rusty is a 58 year-old bowling instructor from South Dakota. For the past three years he has been volunteering at the local roller skating rink, trying to convince them that “if you’d just take out this stupid roller skating rink, you could get eight, maybe even ten great bowling lanes in here.” So far, he has been quickly run out of the building every single time. When he’s not busy with lessons, or re-alphabetizing his collection of fast food restaurant napkins, he can be found feeding ducks down at the local park. And because he feels that no species of animal should be without their own particular sporting activity, he has invented a game for them called “swoccer” which is a cross between playing soccer with little balls of rolled-up bread, and swimming in the park’s pond. At first the ducks were hesitant to play, being much more interested in simply eating the balls of bread. But once Rusty gave them a 30-minute powerpoint presentation (complete with guest speakers and refreshments) on how “swoccer” is actually an excellent cardiovascular activity, the ducks began training with a fervor matched only by the squirrels in the park when Rusty taught them to play “rugbee” (which is a cross between rugby and frisbee).

Q: Is time travel actually feasible?
A: Rusty would like to think that it is. In fact, you might be interested to know that Rusty is so interested in the field of time travel that he has secretly been working on building his own time machine from discarded old Apple IIE computers that were being thrown away from the junior high last summer. “It’s amazing how hi-tech these computers actually are. A lot of people were just forced to learn how to do some rudimentary programming in BASIC on them at school. But what they didn’t realize is that there’s actually a secret plug on the inside that can be hooked up to a plutonium field generator and used to modify the very fabric of time-space itself. Right now it’s just a theory I have, but as soon as the junior high dumps out some of their plutonium I think I’ll be in business.” Once his mom found out what he was doing, Rusty was grounded for two weeks.

Q: How does Rusty go about keeping his vintage clothing so clean and pressed?
A: Well, we’d be lying if we said that his mother didn’t have a little bit to do with it. She’s the queen of preserving fashionable double-knit polyester leisure suits to their original showroom finish. But Rusty is quickly learning the ropes, as someday he will have to carry on the legacy (when he moves out to go to college, of course). It’s all a closely guarded family secret, but we can tell you that it involves an elaborate network of cleaners and dryer sheets and rinse cycles and iron settings. This is laundry taken to a whole new level, my friends. The likes of which we can’t even begin to comprehend. Best to leave it to the professionals.

Q: Rusty, you always look so smartly dressed and expertly posed in your photos. Were they done at Olan Mills?
A: Actually, no, Rusty takes all of his own phots and has amassed quite a large portfolio of headshots. Last Christmas he received a camera, after begging and pleading for over three months to get his very own. Well, now he’s begging and pleading to get a skateboard with a jet-powered turbo-thruster on the back (whatever that’s supposed to be, we’re just relaying what he said), but as his mother correctly pointed out “why, you’ve barely used the camera that we got you last Christmas.” So to show that he actually does use his toys, and doesn’t just ask for presents on a whim and then get bored and move on to something else (…) he has decided that he’s going to take pictures. Loads and loads of pictures. We’re all about encouraging the little rascal, so we’ve agreed to post them on the web.

Q: Why is Rusty’s hair red?
A: Well, at first Dignan told Rusty that he was going to have to get a haircut. When Rusty said no, Dignan yelled out “well then you’re gonna have to dye it red, man, because we have to hide our identities.”

Q: No really, who is Rusty?
A: Rusty is a young scrap terrorizing his local neighborhood by winning every single game of marbles that he is challenged to. He rules the marble-field with an iron fist, and no one (this means you) is going to de-throne him in that area. The only thing that can stop him is someone coming straight at him on a mini-scooter, as he is deathly afeared of mini-scooters (after that little “accident” two summers ago). Usually after a hard-fought game of marbles he retires to home, where his mom has his favorite lunch waiting for him: a pickle-peanut butter sandwich with tortilla chips, and a glass of ice-cold lemonade. Somehow, Rusty feels that most of the worlds problems could be solved if everyone was given a nice, tall glass of lemonade. Mmmmmm… lemonade…

Q: This FAQ actually raised more questions than it answered. Is that normal?
A: Well, yes and no, if you know what I mean… What’s that? You don’t know what I mean? Well, in that case it would simply be no. In a yes kind of way. Unless you were instead lying when you said that you didn’t know what I meant, to which I would reply with yes. In a no kind of way. But perhaps that’s all more confusing than it really needs to be, so to answer your question as simply as I can: Maybe.

Q: I have a question that was not answered on this otherwise exhaustive and informative FAQ page. Whatever will I do?
A: Never fear. Rusty is at your service. Feel free to e-mail all pertinent questions to Rusty at his e-mail address (shhh, let’s keep this secret, because it’s his private e-mail address), which is: Rusty (at) davidrperry (dot) com. He will answer your questions just as soon as he is able, keeping in mind that he occasionally has chores or little league practice.