Facing The Challenge

Lately, I’ve been giving a lot of serious, careful, testosterone-fueled thought to the idea of buying an oversized 12-ton pickup truck that would really only be practical for extreme obstacle course use. (This size is an overestimation on my part, but deep down I sincerely want it to be that large. I want it to be large enough to have decent suspension while I’m hauling several Starbucks franchises out near the obstacle course, for greater convenience.)

The reason for this is because I’ve been seeing those wonderful Ram Challenge commercials. Over and over again. And over again, I’ve seen them. Fortunately, Chrysler/Dodge has money to burn, because it’s important that people see what these trucks can do, and someone needs to get the word out. With the economy the way it is, I think it’s time that we all settled into the perhaps uncomfortable reality that we are headed for a barren wasteland of a future, a la Mad Max. Or the obstacle courses featured in the commercials.

I’ve heard a lot of frightened chatter on Fox News about how Obama – right after he finishes up eating all of our babies and forcing us all to marry homosexual welfare terrorists – is basically going to usher in the Apocalypse. This logic seems pretty sound to me. I mean just look at his name. So I’m kind of planning now for the truck I will need to maneuver around this new dystopian future. And I have a feeling it will require great amounts of “torque.”

But last night I had a dream. Or a vision, perhaps. In this vision I saw a huge explosion, with me and my firemen buddies desperately trying to drive through the rush of its bellowing fireball. Just when we thought we had gotten away, we realized we were having to maneuver around swinging trucks that had popped up, creating an apparent impasse on the only route out of town. And not only that, but we could see, off in the distance, our arch-nemesis, the cowboys – Cowboys! – mocking the adequacy of our truck-driving skills. I knew it was the cowboys because their t-shirts told me so.

All the while, helicopters were flying overhead, monitoring our every move, because that’s exactly what they would do in an obstacle-course, dystopian, apocalyptic wasteland of a future.

This vision went on for quite some time, as we continually pushed ourselves to the limits (why?) in order to pit these trucks (huh?) against some of the most extreme challenges (oh!) never asked of a passenger vehicle before. Ever. And let me tell you, they kicked all kinds of nonsensical, theoretical conditions ass!

I know that for the past few years, everyone has been hammering home the importance of cars that get good gas mileage, but those days are so before-this-commercial-series. Now we need to shift our focus over to gas-guzzling power trucks capable of steering us safely down cliffs and through the forest. Roads will quickly become a thing of the past, you will find. And even though we’ll all be fighting for road kill scraps in order to feed our literal nuclear families, we’ll still want to enjoy some multi-point coil suspension for a smoother ride, as well as Uconnect web access for surfing some Perez Hilton during our apocalyptic commute. I mean, come on, we’re not animals.

Anyway, “Bravo” to Chrysler/Dodge for showing us the kind of forward-thinking innovation that will surely drive our auto industry (pun!) into the bleak, hell-scape future they obviously want so bad. Someone please bail these guys out, as they obviously have a clear and sensible mission to fulfill.